Siblings and the orders of love

Two basic orders of love: Belonging and The Order of Rank

The rule of thumb is that nobody in a family should be excluded; everyone has the right to belong. This means that any aborted children, stillborn or children given away for adoption will always belong and have their places in the family system even though they are not physically present. It is quite common to hear parents say that they have two, three or more children and so on, when in reality they usually have more.

For example, a parent may have three children but in between them, the mother lost a child. In Family Constellation Therapy, we consider the lost child and give them their right place so they belong. If the family members do not acknowledge this child, the exclusion happens and the siblings´ order of rank is confused and can cause problems, for instance, the children’s health.

Children are considered in their chronological order within the family system. Therefore, it is important that every child has their correct place. Many of us who think that we are the first child or third, fourth or last, may stand in the wrong place when exclusion is present.

Sometimes, there are secrets in a family, such as an unknown pregnancy through maybe a one-night stand, an affair or even one kept hidden from the rest of the family. In those cases, the order of rank gets confused.

You may be thinking that it is impossible to know if we are standing in the correct place in the sibling's order of rank. Well, yes and no. Someone in the system, usually one of the siblings will unconsciously try to represent the excluded one. For this, I would like to share my own experience.

I am the second child in my family but when I was 15 years old, my mum suffered a miscarriage and I was then no longer the youngest child as the unborn sibling, the third child in the order of rank, then became the youngest. This was no secret in my family and for a while, we used to remember him, however, over the years, the memory of him kind of faded away and he was no longer openly remembered. It was really hard for me when it all happened, I was excited to have a little brother and my father and I had already decided on a name ´José Ricardo´.

The struggle of losing my baby brother and the need of keeping him amongst us (unconsciously) by representing him was only revealed to me during my adulthood when I could then understand some specific behaviour of mine. It was during Family Constellation training that I worked this through and learnt how sad my heart had been for so long even though I was not consciously aware of it.

The therapy allowed me to honour him, give his place back and stand on my own place freeing me up to be myself. The relief I felt was incredible and I have no words to describe the beauty of that moment. I will treasure that moment and my little brother in my heart forever.

For a family to function well, the inclusion rather than exclusion should be recognized amongst the family members along with the rank of order. The parents come before children and within the children the first-born comes before the second child and so on.

The order of rank amongst the siblings should also be recognized amongst them; the second and/or subsequent child should not interfere in the decisions of the first-born, for instance.

Older brothers take a different position from the younger ones and they will feel threatened if there is an intention of invasion towards their place. This is usually the cause of problems amongst siblings. Although it can happen in a very subtle way, it will show its influence in daily life. In summary, each child has their properly defined position within the family hierarchy that should be respected for the benefit of all.

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